I have eaten nothing but junk food since Tuesday. And I started drinking soda again for the first time this year. As I'm typing this, I'm eating Ramen noodles and drinking an A&W Root Beer. I hate root beer and I'm not overly fond of Ramen noodles. I'm not eating that much at all, but what I am eating is disgusting. I'm not sure what that's about, but I need to stop.
I haven't much wanted to get off the couch or out of bed, but John is basically forcing me. Once I get out, I'm okay, it just takes an enormous effort to get going. John was able to take a week off from work with the condition that we go see a counselor. We went this morning and she stressed that I have to get up and get out. John also keeps reminding me that my feelings are affecting the baby and I really do want her short life to be as good as it can be. So, that's some motivation. It has felt pretty good to get out and walk and we spent some time in a pool with John's cousins and that was nice. I had to laugh when John's 4yo cousin kicked me in the belly when I was helping her swim and Denali kicked her right back! It's awesome that she's neurologically intact enough to react to her environment! We also took her to Earthquake Park and I exposed my belly (much to the horror of passerby) so that she could get some sunshine. I don't know if any sunshine can actually filter through the layers of fat on my abdomen, or if she's even capable of detecting light, but it felt good to stretch out in the sunshine anyway.
Mom and my brother Samuel are still here and are going to stay another week with us. My other brother Benjamin is taking care of everything back home for them. I can't thank them enough for doing that! Poor Mom is walking around like a zombie, too. I know this is hard for her and she's just as heartbroken as we are.
During our counseling session today, I was able to realize that I'm worried about having a birth plan and a funeral plan and I really, really want to get that taken care of. I'm not usually one to need a plan, but it's important for me right now. All four of us sat down in the food court outside of the BX and started working on the plan. I'm sure we looked like a bunch of loonies sitting there crying, but, oh well. We got some things hammered out. For some reason I'm absolutely terrified that people are going to see Denali and make fun of her when she's born! I'm freaking out about it! And that's been a big part of the plan. Also, I have been dead set against an epidural, but on the off chance that she's born vaginally (most likely she will be a scheduled C-section) then I want as much pain control as I can get without getting snowed. Her life is going to be so short and I don't want the time I *might* have with her colored by pain.
While we were making our plans, no less than TEN pregnant woman walked by. Having dealt with infertility and miscarriage, I had gotten into the habit of immediately hating every pregnant woman that I encountered. Since I've been pregnant, it's been nice to see other preggos and smile inside knowing that my time has finally arrived. I'm not back to hating, but I feel a profound jealousy. It's stupid because I don't know what's going on in their lives. This could be their rainbow, or IVF miracle or whatever. But, most likely they will have a healthy baby and I will not and that hurts.
I keep forgetting that I'm even pregnant. It's really weird. I don't know if I still want to be pregnant. I want her to live, but...I don't know. I guess all the joy of pregnancy has been stolen. I don't get to do anymore baby shopping or anything like that. In fact, instead of planning her baby shower, I'm planning her funeral. I'm in desperate need for more clothes, but I have absolutely zero desire to go shopping. The thought of walking into Motherhood and being around all of the other women makes me want to throw up. Actually, the thought of being in public and being obviously pregnant makes me want to toss my cookies. What will I say when I get the inevitable questions? Do I just say it's a girl, her name is Denali and that she's due in December? I think I will start bawling. Samuel suggested maybe I could make some cards with info on anencephaly to hand people. Would that be weird? I think people mostly don't want to know about stuff like that. Maybe I'll just hide in the house and only go out at night until she's born. I can get by with wearing John's clothes. That actually sounds like a reasonable plan to me.
We're seeing the OB tomorrow and I want to discuss an action plan with her. How will I know if Denali dies? Will we get weekly check ups, or what? When should we schedule her birth? I have about a million questions! I also want to go ahead and get the genetic testing done that the perinatologist recommended. I want to know if this could happen again or if we should ever even try again.
A friend of mine brought up an interesting point today that got me thinking. Because of my previous miscarriage, I freaked out when I found out I was pregnant again. I immediately called and made an appointment. The wonderful midwife totally got my fears and did an ultrasound right then and there. There were actually two, possibly three gestational sacs on the ultrasound! It was super early so there were no heartbeats or anything. Two weeks later at the next ultrasound, there was only little Denali. Could the other baby (babies) have also had anencephaly and didn't make it? Could my previous miscarriage have also been caused by the same deformity? It's very possible. I haven't actually done much research into the mutation yet because, well, I haven't had the energy, but what I have read sounds just like my family.
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| Very first ultrasound at 5 weeks showing multiple gestational sacs |
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