18 Weeks

18 weeks already! Almost halfway done! Well, I guess I could be more than halfway done. I highly, highly doubt I will make it to 40 weeks, but we shall see. Oddly enough, thebump.com did not send me my weekly email telling me how big my baby should be and comparing her to a piece of produce. Not sure what to make of that. 

  When I first found out I was pregnant, John and I went to the mall for something. We passed a Gymboree store and I decided to go inside and look around. I was so excited to finally have a real reason to go, other than just daydreaming. Anyway, I found this adorable outfit:

Pansies are my absolute favorite flower and I thought this would make a great Easter outfit and it was on clearance! John wouldn't let me get it because I think he thought it would jinx us. So, I just saved it to my Pinterest. I looked it up today and it was only available in preemie sizes! Obviously, I ordered one. This may be a bit morbid (what part of this whole ordeal has not been?) but I thought maybe she could be buried/cremated in it. And then I broke down and sobbed while Mom and Samuel held me. What really ticked me off about this whole experience is that Gymboree FORCED me to create an account to place the order! Why can't I just make a one time purchase? Now my inbox is going to be cluttered with junk emails from Gymboree and I don't really want to see them!
  I don't know what else to do! I want to take care of my daughter and I feel like the only way I can do that right now is to prepare for her death. To somehow memorialize her and to let her know how much we love her. It's so dumb, but it's the only thing I can do right now!
  I went to WalMart today to see if I could find some of the little outfits I had already bought for her in preemie size, but I couldn't. Again, stupid. I don't know how long she'll live if she even survives being born and so, in reality, how many outfits will she need? I just feel so powerless in this whole situation. I mean, I'm a doctor! And I can't even help my own child?!
  Anyway, on to more pleasant subjects. We went for a hike (more of a stroll, really) in Eagle River. It was such a beautiful, peaceful place. I was just awed by nature. We even saw a salmon and Mom got really excited! I like to think we're taking Denali around and showing her nature. I daydreamed about taking her out on hikes and showing her how beautiful the world is, but that will never happen. So, this is good enough. In my mind, I point out flowers and animal tracks, etc to her. I hope that she can get some sense of the happiness and peace I have being outside. And even though she's probably deaf, I hope she can hear her family laughing and talking and just enjoying each other's company.