John went outside yesterday to get the paper and came back inside with a package for me. Inside was a ton of maternity clothes from my friend, Megan! Megan, I can't thank you enough! I'm wearing one of the tops in the picture above and I actually felt...pretty! I even put on some makeup for church this morning (sans mascara because that would be a disaster waiting to happen)! Thank you again!
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| That black thread is an ice worm |
I then proceeded to slide all the way back down on my (very cold) bottom to give the worms to the Forest Ranger. She took them back to the visitor's center where they will spend the next few days and then be returned to the glacier. John and I also went "sledding" on his jacket which was a lot of fun. Very cool (literally!) experience!
My feet have been killing me lately from all of the swelling and extra weight. My trusty, comfy Keen hiking boots no longer fit and it's been just agony walking around anywhere. John bought me a wonderful pair of Keen sandals so that I can still go hiking and they give my feet plenty of room to swell! I was so excited to take them out yesterday. They did great, even on the ice and NO FOOT PAIN! Hallelujah! Best of all, they were on clearance!Speaking of the swelling, I lost ten pounds since the beginning of last week. Notice how small my bump is in the above picture? I guess I'm diuresing? I'm drinking a LOT of caffeine, but I'm not urinating more frequently. It's weird. Oh, here is some information on polyhydramnios since people have been asking me about it: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/polyhydramnios/DS01156
In some ways I feel guilty for going out and enjoying myself, and I'm betting there are people who would criticize me for it. My daughter is going to die and there isn't anything I can do about it. I doubt there is a single second that has gone by since the diagnosis that I have not thought about it. But what good will it do to just sit around and become depressed? How is that going to help Denali? It's not. Everything I've read says that she has not, nor will she ever, achieve consciousness. One source said that she is in a permanent vegetative state. But what do we really know? What can science and medicine tell us about the soul? Very little, as it turns out. Right now, she is inside my body and communicating with me. The emotions of the mother do play a role on the baby. A positive outlook on life is not going to heal her damaged brain- I know that. But does she know that I love her? Can she sense that I love the world and life and I want her to share my experiences while she is here? No one knows! But I'm going to assume that she can and I'm going to do the best I can to ensure that her brief stay with us is a happy one!
To change the subject, one summer my brother and I worked for the same woman who owned her own nursery and landscaping business. Derek did the landscaping and I ran the nursery. One day, the owner's dog was diagnosed with cancer and she decided to have her put down. She asked Derek to dig the grave in her backyard. The whole time he was digging, the dog sat on the edge of the grave and watched him. Derek said it was rather eery. Today was kind of like that. John and I went down to visit Anchorage Memorial Cemetery and see what it's like. It was rather disturbing because Denali was kicking the whole time we were there and I kept thinking about that dog watching her own grave being dug and not knowing she was going to die (or maybe she did?). Anyway, the cemetery was nice. It was even pretty quiet considering it's in downtown Anchorage. Some young people were hanging out and, I thought, being disrespectful, but that's to be expected in any cemetery, I guess. There are two options available, I believe. There is the general infant section of the cemetery, which is sparse and there are no trees. There are, however, some really nice roses that smelled heavenly. Then there is the Catholic infant section which is older and surrounded by trees. I liked it better there as it seemed more peaceful. It also looked less lonely and neglected. There were no flowers or anything on the infant graves, but there were plenty of flowers in the Catholic section and it was obviously heavily trafficked.
In other news, I'm looking into having a 3D/4D ultrasound done. I've contacted a sonographer to find out if she would be comfortable doing it. She has 17 years experience as a diagnostic sonographer, so I would assume she has at least seen pictures of anencephaly. I'd really, really like to get some video of Denali while she is still alive! We may never get to meet her and it would be so awesome to have that memory of her that we could share and watch later. It's really expensive, though. But it would be worth it! Ultracare 4D
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