Memorial Tattoo

  I decided awhile back that I wanted to get a memorial tattoo for Denali. I got my first tattoo 12 years ago in undergrad, and while it's not something I would choose today, it really expressed who I was at the time. In other words, I have a large tramp stamp (hey, it was 2002).

Her name is Ophelia

I've wanted to add to it for years but I just didn't know what I wanted. Last year, before I left Alaska for what I thought was the last time, I decided that I wanted to get a tattoo of fireweed. I love fireweed because it has come to represent everything that I have learned and loved about Alaska.

Fireweed

My engagement ring displayed on fireweed

Last year, when we got Denali's diagnosis, one of the first things that I did alone was go out and pick fireweed. I dried it, knowing all along that I wanted to have it with her when she was either buried or cremated. And it was. I also spent those long, lonely nights of the first month after John went back to work cross-stitching a fireweed bib for her. She was cremated in the bib as well.

And so, fireweed has come to represent not only Alaska, but also Denali. Fireweed was an easy choice for her memorial tattoo. But I didn't know who I wanted to do it. I received a recommendation for Shelly V at Body Piercing Unlimited and I checked out her work. She does amazing custom work and I scheduled a consultation with her. I was so nervous because I have seen some ugly tattoos in my day and I didn't want to end up with something that I would regret later. John was also worried and he really didn't want me to get any more tattoos. When Shelly sent me her drawing, I was so excited because it was exactly what I had imagined. And John liked it, too!

In the end, I decided not to have Denali (the mountain) included in the tattoo because it would be really large. Maybe one day I will.
 After the first session, I decided that I did want to incorporate the auroras into the piece. So, at the second session, Shelly added the auroras to the fairy's wings. I absolutely love, love, love it! It's still healing, and these pictures were taken on the first day, but you can see how awesome it looks.

On Palm Sunday, our pastor spoke about how fireweed represents life here in Alaska. It burns intensely during the short summer and then dies down, leaving only a memory, but something we can hope to see again. I thought that, when described in that way, fireweed becomes a fitting tribute to Denali.  She also lived during a splendid Alaskan summer and then died when the winter came. But her life was intense and beautiful and her memory will be with us forever.

Denali's Donation Story

 In honor of April being National Donate Life Month, I wrote Denali's donation story. The story was published at Purposeful Gift, a sight about neonatal donation. Read it here.

 I also wanted to post some pictures from the flag raising ceremony:

The flag

John raising the flag

Fr. Don read this prayer

Fr. Don, Us, and Lori from Donate Life Alaska

The flag flying high.

 It's been quite some time since I updated the blog. I made some changes to the style of the blog that I'm excited about! As usual, time is just flying by and I don't know where it goes! I have been down for the count for a few days after having two root canals done at the same time two days ago. It really knocked me off my feet, and I had a few minutes to write.
  If it's one thing that Denali has taught John and I, it's that life is precious and short and the most important thing is family. After much prayer, thought and discussion, we decided that the best move for our life together is for John to get out of the Air Force and move back to Virginia with me so that we can begin building a family. Life is just way too short to spend it apart from one another, especially as we have spent so much time apart already. While some may view this as a financial mistake as John is only six years away from retirement, we feel that there are more important things in life than money. Besides, I'm going to be a rich doctor. One day. Maybe. However, we found out this week that John's request for early separation from the Air Force was denied for the second consecutive year. The Air Force is forcing people who don't want to get out to get out anyway, but they won't let John go. It doesn't make sense, but no one asked me. What this means for us is that I leave for Virginia next month and John stays here in Alaska for an indeterminate amount of time. I'm devastated. After everything we've been through, I really have no idea how I'm going to survive without him. I don't know how I'm going to face what could potentially be the hardest year of my life (career-wise) without John by my side. It's going to be incredibly difficult is all that I can say. The worst part of it is that we desperately want to try for a sibling for Denali and that will be impossible if we're 5,000 miles apart. It's just not going to happen. I've cried and cried this week and felt about as hopeless as I ever have throughout this entire ordeal. But, life always goes on and I will pack my bags and head for Virginia next month as planned.
  Other than sobbing my eyes out, I've been fairly busy. I've tapped into my creative side that has been squashed during all my years of school (as evidenced by my burgeoning graphic design skills here on the blog. Snort.) John has been so awesome and has actually encouraged me in my endeavors! A lot of what I have been doing has been directed towards memorializing Denali in our home. I'm currently working on a large shadowbox, and I will post pictures of that when I'm done. Here's what I have so far (don't laugh):

Flowers that I pressed from Denali's Memorial Service

I've also been hitting the gym pretty hard. While I don't think I'm going to reach my goal of doing a 10K this summer, I'm definitely making progress! I feel stronger than I have in a long time! I've been doing a mix of running and Pilates and strength training and I'm loving it!

Unfortunately, the base gym has been open at odd hours and I haven't been able to get as much exercise in as I'd like for the past month or so. But I'm still plodding along!
  Some days I still can't believe that I had a baby. I was listening to a medical podcast the other day and it was talking about some risk to nulliparous women and I had to remind myself that I'm not in that category anymore. It's very bizarre.
  Okay, that was a weird post. Blame the meds I'm taking for this god-awful tooth pain!