How are we doing? Well, we're still here. We're still breathing. The world didn't stop when Denali died and I didn't want it to. It's been 13 days since we held our daughter alive and the time has gone by unbelievably fast. Every day separates us from her even more and it hurts. I don't want to forget what her weight in my arms felt like or her smell or all of the sounds she made, but it's happening. Her memories are fading. Every day I watch the videos of her and I've memorized every blink of her eyes and twitch of her mouth, but it's not her, it's just the recording of her. That makes me sad.
Someone pointed out that every baby changes and every parent forgets what it was like when their child was a newborn. No baby stays the same. That's true. My mom cries when she looks at our baby pictures. I guess we're not so different.
John took some time off from work, so we've been hanging out. I don't know what we've been doing, though. We thought we might take a trip, but we haven't been organized enough to plan anything and we're running out of time. It seems like we have a million things we need to get done and when we go to bed, we haven't gotten anything accomplished. We've been sleeping a lot. We're both bone-weary. We did get our Christmas decorations put away and yesterday we went back to our gaming group. It was good to be with people who didn't mention a single word about my deflated belly and missing baby, but it drained me. We were supposed to go to a squadron get-together afterwards, but I couldn't do it. I just wanted to go home and be quiet. And that's what we did. We ordered pizza and watched a movie.
We have been hitting the gym. I started my 10K training plan that I was working on when I got pregnant and John is training for his PT test next month. I feel like people are lumping me with the New Year's crowd. I want to wear a sign that says I just had a C-section! It's silly to worry about what other people think, but I do. Actually, I feel like I'm in decent shape, considering. All of that walking and water aerobics did more for me than I expected!
As far as recovering from the surgery, I'm doing fantastic! I haven't had to take any ibuprofen in almost a week! I actually don't think I had surgery- I think Denali was teleported out of me or something. My incision is barely visible! I was expecting a horrible recovery, but I've been fine. It's been a blessing because I would have been miserable otherwise.
I found a baby who needed my milk and I've been pumping, which has kept me occupied. It seems like my timer is constantly going off, reminding me to pump! I think it would be so much easier feeding a baby because it's more acceptable to breastfeed in public and I would get to snuggle my baby! Yesterday, I had to pump in the car and I pumped once in a public restroom, which did not go well! But, I'm enjoying the forced 20 minute sessions at home where I can sit down and catch my breath. And I get such a feeling of satisfaction from collecting all the milk and putting it into the bags!
One thing that has plagued me is an almost constant feeling of guilt. I don't often feel guilty, so these feelings have come as a surprise. I've thought of a thousand little things that I did wrong with Denali or that I didn't do for her that I should have done. I've felt guilty about the way she died. I've picked apart every minute of her life and scrutinized my behaviors. In my mind I know that I absolutely did the best I could considering I had just had a baby and major surgery and didn't get much more than a few hours of sleep the entire three days she was alive. But part of me wants to find some way to blame myself. Perhaps this is what grief looks like for me this time. John said that every parent has regrets and asked me to imagine how I would feel had I raised Denali for 18 years. Yet another truth. Guilt probably comes with parenting. Had Denali lived, I'm sure I would not feel guilty about most of the things that are bothering me. But she didn't and I do. So, there it is.
I'm still working on the rest of Denali's story. I'm thankful that I'm able to write again!
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