Denali's Story Part 1

I am slowly trying to write down Denali's story. There are some places where my memories are vivid and some where they are confused and starting to fade. This is a very long story and I hope that you can bear with me while I tell it.

It began on December 27 at 5:00AM. We had gone in for our pre-op visit the night before, but things had gotten so crowded in L&D that our nurse instructed us to come back at 7:00AM. After a restless night, John and I got up and I showered with the antiseptic soap. I was starving and thirsty! We got dressed and John took a video of me. I called and talked to my mom for a bit and then our doula, Cristen, arrived to go with us to the hospital. I was so nervous that I was crying by the time she got there, but calmed down on the ride over. We checked in at L&D and were taken to a large room. The nurse from the night before started getting me ready, then shift change happened... and another nurse came in. I changed into my gown and Cristen had asked for a robe for me, which was wonderful.  Cristen, John and I were chatting when the nurse came in to tell us that my surgery had been bumped due to several emergency C-sections. I was so disappointed because I was anxious to get started. Being ten months pregnant and hungry and thirsty was no fun, and I was getting nauseous from not eating. Our family arrived and we introduced everyone when Fr. Dan arrived. We were frantically trying to let Dr. P, Denali's doctor, and the photographer, Lori, know that the surgery time had been changed. Fr. Dan left to go attend to some other business, and we were left to wait for our turn in the operating room. Everyone had coffee and water and I thought I was dying! The nurse came in to start my IV in my hand. I whined until she agreed to use some local before starting the IV;  she also got me some Zofran. Then we all got up and walked around the hospital lobby a bit. I'm sure I looked charming walking around in a hospital gown, fuzzy socks and Danskos with IV pole in tow. John's dad, Tom, got some video of that just to make sure my humiliation was complete! When we got back we heard that my surgery had been rescheduled for 11AM. One of the neonatologists and a nurse practitioner from NICU came by and we chatted about what to expect that day. I asked if I should try to feed Denali or if that would make it harder for her and Dr. J told me to do what my heart told me to do. John's mom, Kim, asked if Denali would cry and Dr. J said she might. I believe my dad, Brian, asked if she would suffer at all and Dr. J said that to the best of our knowledge, she would not have the ability to feel pain. Next, Dr. O came in and spoke with us briefly. John told her that I had been afraid my IV had blown and she assured him that it had only backed up. Then D, the nurse we had met with previously, came in to give us an update. The OR was so busy that she had scrubbed in on two cases. She and Fr. Dan seemed to hit it off, and she agreed to sign Denali's Certificate of Baptism when the time came. Fr. Dan asked if we would like for D to be Denali's godmother since she would be signing the certificate. John and I agreed. Next, Chaplain S came in and prayed with us. Lori, the photographer arrived just then.

Waiting

Cristen and Dad

Fr. Dan and John looking very dashing in their paper scrubs

Finally, the circulating nurse from the OR, E, came in and gave me some acid reducer. She told me it tasted like "salty cry babies" and she was right! I gulped it and then got into a wheelchair to be wheeled to the recovery room. I was so scared that I didn't tell anyone goodbye. We got to the recovery room where we talked with Dr. O some more and then met the anesthesiologist, Dr. L. She gave us a Miraculous Medal and a handmade Rosary for Denali. John had left his phone with his parents and I was upset because I wanted to hear Let It Be before I went in for the surgery. I have listened to that song before every test in my academic career and it seemed fitting to listen to it before one of the biggest events of my life. Dr. L said she would play it for me and that she was also going to play some lullabies. Then I started crying. John and Fr. Dan started praying the Rosary and I cried and cried. D came over and took my blood for the anencephaly study and then it was time to go to the OR.

Fr. Dan offering some words of comfort

I steeled myself and got into the wheelchair to be taken back to the OR. I have never, never been so scared in my life! I saw Dr. P in the corridor and I was barely able to whisper hello. And then I was in the OR. I was introduced to everyone and told to get up on the table. I sat down and the circulating nurse put a stool under my feet. I had horrible tunnel vision. A man introduced himself as the anesthesiologist's little helper and I started to ask if he was an elf and the anesthesiologist was Santa, but I didn't. Turns out he was another anesthesiologist. Someone started cleaning off my back and Dr. L commented on my cute "pixie" tattoo. Then it was time for the local anesthetic. Dr. L put it in and there was a "little sting and a little burn" (does every doctor use the same line?) and it was no big deal. Then it was time for the spinal needle. The circulating nurse put her forehead to my forehead and told me to squeeze her hands. At first, I felt nothing and then there was the weirdest pain I've ever felt in my left lumbar area. I tried to breathe through it, but it just got worse and worse until it reached a crescendo and I jumped and yelled. Dr. L tried again and again the same thing happened. The same exact pain in the same exact spot. Someone commented that the needle wasn't even in my back anymore. I started crying because the pain was so intense. I just wanted it to be over! Dr. O was also in front of me at that point and everyone was telling me what a great job I was doing but I was miserable for being difficult. Then Dr. L tried the stick from a right approach and my entire lower body got really warm and tingly. She told me it was in and I said "thank God"! I was swung around a laid back on the table. I wanted to tell Dr. O to do a good job so I could have a VBAC because I would never have a spinal again! Dr. L asked me if I had had a scoliosis as a kid and then said that maybe I had some scar tissue back there and she apologized for messing up my fairy tattoo's wing. She said I was difficult because I was a medical person. D was on my left side, holding my hand and the circulating nurse was somewhere on my right. The oddest sensation of not being able to breathe overcame me and I said something about it. I was convinced I was having a bad reaction and was going to die and I was okay with that. I was assured that the feeling was normal. Then I felt the urge to get up and run around the room. I said that and someone told me to go ahead and try! Dr. L put some oxygen on me and I calmed down. The drapes went up and someone asked me if I could feel something and I said no. I heard Denali's heartbeat and I assumed someone was checking on her. Let It Be started playing and I started crying. D was on my left side holding my hand and she told me it was okay to cry. Then the nausea hit. I told Dr. L and she gave me something. The nausea went away and then it came back with more power. I started vomiting and couldn't stop. Vomiting with a spinal is interesting as I really couldn't get any force. D held an emesis basin and Dr. L suctioned me. It was bad. I felt so awful at that point.

 And then John was there, holding my hand and Fr. Dan started to bless everyone and I threw up during the prayer.

I heard Dr. O tell someone to break my water. At that point I was so sick and nauseous that it barely registered. I think I tried to tell John that Denali was coming. And then, somehow, I knew that she was born. I listened to hear if she cried. Someone said something along the lines of hello to her and used her name, but I couldn't tell if she was alive or not. I wanted to scream and ask if she was breathing, but I was afraid of the answer. And then she was in my arms. The first thing that went through my mind was that she was unbelievably beautiful. The second thing was that I wanted to do it again one day.  I told her hi and said that we had been waiting for her. I remember crying. She just stared and stared at me with huge, bright blue eyes.

Daddy trimming the cord

Holding Daddy's hand

She was the most gorgeous thing I had ever seen! The world disappeared and it was just her and I. I was vaguely aware of other people around us. I asked if she was dying and someone said she was okay and doing well. Fr. Dan came over and started to baptize her. A wave of nausea hit and I threw up all over John and probably Fr. Dan, too. I noticed that Denali's hands were blue and I told John that she was dying, forgetting that most babies have blue extremities. When I was finally convinced that she wasn't dying, I thought about trying to feed her, but I had no inclination to do so. I just kept looking at her, not believing she was there. She started making little noises and I was shocked that she was talking to us!  Then D whisked her away to be weighed and measured and all of that baby stuff that I never expected to happen. I couldn't take my eyes off of her from across the room!

Daddy and Godmother D

Finally, she was placed back on my chest and we were being wheeled into recovery. At some point, John took her from me and I became drowsy. I considered falling asleep, but I didn't want to miss any time with her! I also wanted to show her off to our parents and I was worried that she would die before they had the chance to see her. Someone gave me some ice chips and I started eating them gratefully.  After what seemed like an eternity, it was time to go to Mother-Baby Unit. John put Denali into the bassinet and asked if he could push her and D, I think, said that he was supposed to. We started down the hallway and I remember beaming at everyone as I was rolled by. Of course, no one paid the slightest attention to me!

Dad and Tom got into a discussion about which elevator everyone needed to take, and were scolded by D. We finally made it up to our room and it was chaos! I was getting attention (and water, at last!) and everyone else was passing Denali around. I couldn't believe that we had made it to Mother-Baby Unit! I truly expected Denali to die in the OR and here she was, clearly very much alive and meeting her family!

Mommy can't stop looking at her!

First diaper!

Meeting Grandma Kim

Grandpa Brian