Back to "Normal"

John went back to work yesterday. I can't believe it that time has gone by this fast! Tomorrow, it will be a month since Denali was born! I wouldn't mind so much except that soon I will have to leave Alaska and go back home. I don't want to be separated from John! But that is the life we chose and that's the path we have to take. Eventually, we will be together permanently! At least, that's my hope, anyway.
  It occurred to me as I was dropping John off at work that it was the first time I was doing so without Denali. I realized how much of a presence she was in my daily life. I talked to her constantly (sometimes out loud, in public) and touched her often. I was rarely ever lonely because she was with me. I miss that little girl! 
  I'm not sure what we did while John was on paternity leave. We found ourselves frequently wandering around WalMart, which was strange. We ate out a lot, too. Neither of us felt like cooking. We definitely did not get as much accomplished as I had hoped that we would, but that's okay. We spent time together and that's what was important. We did have a little get away at a B&B in Talkeetna last week and that was really nice. We just relaxed and enjoyed our beautiful surroundings! And played Scrabble, which I had forgotten I enjoy.

Sunset on the beach in Talkeetna. Hard to see, but that's Denali in the background.

  A difficult situation came up last night and I was really angry with John about it. I'm not sure how we could have handled it better if (when) it happens in the future. I went for my bi-annual haircut and I had the same stylist that I had back in September. I started talking with her about my pregnancy and told her that I had had the baby three weeks ago. Of course, she asked where the baby was. I didn't want to lie to her, but I also didn't feel like discussing it, either. I mean, it puts her in a weird position and I just didn't want to be sad. So, she started asking me what motherhood is like. I called on my vast experience of three days and told her about feedings and changing diapers, etc. I told her how much of a daddy's girl Denali had been. But I didn't give any indication that Denali had died. After she finished, I went to pay and realized I didn't have enough cash. So, I went to find John. I sent him in to pay and told him not to mention that Denali is dead if it came up. Well, it came up and John got cornered and told the lady that Denali had died. This was all my fault for putting John in that awkward position in the first place, but when he told me, I was furious! I felt like I got to be a normal new mom for just a few minutes and that was taken away from me. I was back to being a mom with a dead baby. I don't much care for that label. Not only that, I'm sure the stylist thought I was completely nuts and a liar.
  So, what do we do? I want to talk about Denali. I want to talk about the three wonderful days that I got to be a mom to her! But I don't necessarily want to talk about her being dead. It's awkward, no one knows what to say (which is fine, btw) and I don't feel like a normal person. If the situation is relevant, then I don't mind talking about her death. For instance, if someone asks me how many children I have, I don't mind saying two and that neither are living. But if someone asks specific questions about Denali and wants to talk about babies, then I want to talk about Denali's life. The fact that it was brief doesn't matter.