Denali at 33 Weeks

  We just got back from an ultrasound. Miss Denali decided she really didn't care for this whole birth thing and flipped herself upright again! Just last night I could see her little feet up by my ribs and I was pushing on them. Maybe she doesn't like her feet being tickled! I didn't feel her flip at all so it may have been while I was asleep. I was really out of it last night!
  Denali now weighs 4lbs, 11oz! She's in the 48th percentile. I'm very happy with that. At this rate, she may not fit into the preemie clothes that she has!
  The sonographer noted that there may be some abnormalities of her chest wall. Her ribs and sternum were thicker than they should have been. Not sure what to make of that. He also wasn't able to see any brain tissue at all anymore.
  We were able to get some very dramatic shots today. The sonographer was very careful about asking us how much we wanted to see. He was able to get a wonderful 3D image of her face. I was prepared to be shocked and horrified, but I wasn't and neither was John. Yep, she has anencephaly. She looks like all of the other beautiful anencephalic babies that I have seen. She kinda looks like a bald baby Cabbage Patch Kid or Gru from Despicable Me, without the nose.

    The awesome thing was that I immediately looked past the deformity and started looking at her sweet nose and chin and trying to pick out any resemblances. Now that she has some weight on her, I see more of myself than of John. She has my deep nasolabial folds and Jay Leno chin. Not so sure about her nose anymore. From the front it looks like John's, but from the side it looks like mine. I'm getting excited to see it in person!
  No, I'm not going to post the pictures. I was, but then I changed my mind. When we look at her, we see our sweet baby girl whom we have grown to love and accept for exactly who she is. But I don't trust other people to see her that way. Some pictures of anencephalic babies have been stolen and exploited and I'm not taking that chance with Denali.
  I had my second ever anxiety attack this morning. I'm not an anxious person and these attacks are completely foreign to me. They have definitely given me sympathy for people who experience them on a regular basis (No, I won't give you Xanax. Ain't happening!). The attack just hit me as I was loading the dishwasher and I was very quickly prostrate on the floor, struggling to breathe. It's such a scary feeling!!! I managed to calm down a little and call Mom who talked me through it. And then she completely diverted my attention by talking about politics until John got home and took over.

   Mom said that I've been trying to be too strong for too long. I don't know about that. I'm not trying to be strong, I'm just trying to do the best I can with what I've got and love Denali. Most days I'm completely overwhelmed and terrified by this whole situation and wish myself out of it. But like my grandma used to say, "Spit in one hand and wish in the other and see which one fills up the fastest". I miss her and her wit! Gandalf put it a bit more eloquently: