27 Weeks

  We got our first snow in Anchorage today on the first day of Fall! It wasn't much of a snow fall, but for this Southern girl, snow in September is...different. Of course, John was ecstatic. Being from North Dakota, he loves winter and snow!
  Today was hard for me because, in addition to being the autumnal equinox, it was also the first day of my third trimester. All of my pregnancy calendars and apps reminded me that I'm "in the home stretch" and "it's the final countdown".  I'm scared to death. I am not by any stretch of the imagination ready and I just want time to slow down! I want to take my baby and run, but there's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. I have no choice but to face the most terrifying thing that I've ever faced. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I'm really struggling right now.
  We need to make a decision about what to do with my sweet baby's body before Oct. 1 because the cemeteries close for the winter on that date. Because the ground is frozen, the cemeteries here don't do any burials during the winter. The bodies of people who die in the winter are stored and then buried in the spring. The thought of my Denali being stored for the winter like some vegetable or something is abhorrent to me. But if we buy a grave before the cemetery closes, we can have it opened. On the other hand, we are considering cremation. That way, when we move we can take her with us and she won't be up here all alone. The problem with that is that I was raised Independent Baptist and was taught that cremation is wrong. My family is very much against the idea. I was surprised to find out that the Catholic church is okay with cremation, as long as the ashes are not scattered. John and his family, who are Catholic, are fine with it. A few people have asked about whole body donation and I'm 120% against that! Having worked with cadavers, whole body donation is not something I would encourage any of my loved ones to consider. I'm sure my opinion is not in keeping with the party line, but that's how I feel. And anyway, after the body has been used, it's cremated. So back to square one. Again, we need your thoughts and prayers that we can find peace in a decision this week.
  We're also struggling with our decision to have a C-section. John doesn't really want me to have major surgery. While I'm not overly fond of the idea, either, I really think it gives Denali her best shot at being born alive and us getting to spend some time with her. As her mother, I feel like the one thing I can do for her is get her into this world breathing! It's not in my control either way, but I want to do everything I can to help. I would very much prefer a vaginal birth, but I think it would be too much stress on her. Anytime I've seen decelerations on the fetal heart monitor during labor, my heart has stopped beating for a few seconds, too! And those decelerations in heart rate are caused by pressure on the baby's head during a contraction. I can't imagine what contractions would do to Denali's little head! I feel like she would die. Some people have mentioned that anencephalic babies born with their amniotic sac still intact have a better chance of surviving birth, but I asked an OB/GYN resident about that and she felt it was a rare occurrence.
  In other news, I did not pass the waddle test today. According to John, "[my] booty is starting to sway a little". Of course, this was after I had decided it would be a good idea to do goblet squats. I was at the end of my set and I felt something in my lower back give way.  I limped back onto the track and that's when John gave me the dissapointing news. On the way home from the gym, I started coughing and I felt my displaced sacrum pop back into place. I may have also suffered from some stress incontinence at the same time. It happens.